THE TEN COMMITMENTS OF MARRIAGE...
10 Tips for "Happily Ever After"
Frankly, the idea of marriage has always terrified me. For as long as I can remember, I have believed that I would spend the rest of my life placing a check mark in the little box next to "single" when asked my marital status. As a matter of fact, until my husband was down on one knee proposing, I was well on my way to becoming the infamous old spinster living in a house overflowing with cats and rocking those oh-so-flattering ratty housecoats with big purple flowers. As you can imagine, I felt ill-prepared to become someone's wife. As such, I did what a writer does best before I ran off to get married: research. I read a lot of books and twice as many articles, but I also sought out my married friends, co-workers, and family members and asked them all the same question: "Do you have any words of wisdom on how to make a marriage work?" Of course, every married person I know is an expert on marriage. Therefore, I selected a few of my favorites and compiled them into a list that I like to refer to as "The Ten Commitments of Marriage."
Appreciation is vital in a marriage. Who wants to be taken for granted? You know you're awesome, your friends know you're awesome, your family has erected a shrine in your honor - so why shouldn't you receive the same amount of recognition and appreciation from the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with?
"Find a marriage mentor."
This particular bit of advice is a personal favorite. Find a couple that you admire, trust, and respect and make them your "marriage mentors." Fact: marriage takes work; it's not easy all the time. Having someone who has been down the road you're traveling, and survived it, provides you with the perspective of experience. Additionally, it offers you someone to talk to about the facets of your marriage that you wouldn't typically share with the general public.
"When the little things start to bother you, ask yourself: 'If my spouse were to be hospitalized with a terminal illness, would this matter'?"
Talk about an eye-opener. The first time I heard this, it was as if a light bulb came on in my head. The best way to avoid arguing about the trivial things is to simply acknowledge them as trivial. Okay, so he leaves the toilet seat up. Her hair clogs up the shower drain. He makes you want to throw the remote control across the room. Sure, these things are annoying - but definitely not as annoying as that guy you dated for three years who cheated on you with your best friend. Or the one who just couldn't seem to commit. Or the guy who had the miniature doll collection. Wait...was that just me? Never mind. In any case, recognize that anyone you're in a relationship with is going to have those habits that drive you insane and marry someone you like enough to deal with them.
"You get out of a marriage what you put into it."
I find the level of expectation implied in this statement somewhat deceptive. Many people think, "If I give 100% to my spouse all the time, I will receive 100% all the time." This is absolutely false. There is not a single person on the planet who can give 100% to someone else every single day, all the time. In a marriage, the ratio of giving is constantly shifting. Perhaps you had a bad day at work, and you simply don't feel like gushing over your wife's new outfit. Maybe you have overdosed on cuddle time and just want to spend time alone reading a book. The balance of giving is always changing. Sometimes you will give 40% while your partner gives 60%. Sometimes you will contribute 80% and receive 20%. That's okay. As long as things balance out in the end, you're golden. The beautiful thing about a marriage is that, when you are at the end of your rope, you have someone by your side who will tie the knot that enables you to hang on. Ensure you apply the golden rule and treat your spouse the way you'd like to be treated - with love, honor, and respect - and this commitment will almost always be fulfilled.
"Never go to bed angry."
This is a tough one - easy to say, not so easy to put into practice. There are times when issues seem irresolvable; arguments have exhausted your energies and you believe that a good night's sleep will allow you to recoup your reserves and tackle the problem with a new outlook. The problem with this mentality is, more often than not, ruminating about an issue over a period of time without resolution could produce new variations of the same argument, burying the actual issue deeper and deeper under layers of frustration. It can also create a situation in which you are digging up related issues from the past and using them as ammunition. Sometimes a couple needs a time-out, gather their thoughts and composure, and return to the matter using a more diplomatic approach. However, there is a big difference between "time to breathe and calm down" and festering over a problem until you are more upset than you were to begin with.
"Learn to communicate."
This can be one of the biggest challenges in any relationship. Everyone communicates differently; it has been thoroughly noted that men and women seem to speak in different languages. A small miscommunication can explode into a third world war before you're even aware of what's happening. There are a few noteworthy key points here. First, it is important to identify these differences; awareness is the first step in learning how to maneuver around them to facilitate positive interactions. Second, make the goal of communication simple: understanding. All too often, couples get caught up in trying to force their viewpoint down their partner's throat without really listening to what the other has to say. When couples disagree about a subject, it is crucial that they attempt to at least understand where their spouse is coming from - even if they don't agree. This encourages a respect for, and validation of, each other’s' feelings. Finally, learn which approaches to conversations create defensiveness and which approaches foster effective communication. For example, if you begin your statements with "I messages," (i.e. "I feel, I think, etc.") this often reduces an automatic defensive reaction caused by accusatory statements (i.e. "You did, you didn't, you are, etc."). Another helpful technique is to ask questions to determine whether or not what your partner is saying and what you are hearing are congruent. Miscommunication is often caused by making assumptions and failing to ask for clarification when it's needed.
"Support positive growth."
Does your spouse want to return to school? Do you want to take up a new hobby? Wonderful! Part of what keeps a marriage alive is the fact that people are constantly changing. Supporting your spouse in striving to achieve their goals and creating new dreams allows you to participate in that change and helps you to grow together rather than apart. Nobody wants to be married to a "Debbie Downer," or someone who is always raining on their parade. Sure, your spouse's goals may be a little lofty - but you know what they say: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you fail, you'll still land among the stars."
"Learn to bend."
The art of compromise is central to a happy and healthy marriage. The two of you are not always going to see eye-to-eye. You're not always going to want to do the same things. You are two different people and that doesn't change after you get married. What changes is that it's no longer all about you; you must now include another person in your decision-making process. This means it is important to regard how your partner feels and what they want. It's not always necessary for one spouse to bend to the other's will, as there will be times when you do want the same things. However, when you recognize that you don't want the same things, give your spouse's ideas some thought. Showing this kind of consideration also increases reciprocity. If you are able to, then find a happy medium. If you're having trouble finding that middle ground, ask yourself - "How important is this to me? How important is it to my partner?" You'll find that, before you know it, you are bending without even realizing it because your partner is also making sure your needs are being met.
"Never stop discovering each other, investing in each other, and rewarding each other."
The reason the "honeymoon phase" is so magical is because it's new and exciting. You are learning things about each other that you find fascinating. You are investing time and energy in each other. You are praising each other’s strengths frequently and lifting each other up constantly. Then something happens. You begin to get accustomed to your partner, things become familiar and routine, and you stop investing the way you did before. This is usually when people in relationships begin to take one another for granted. But, as I mentioned earlier, people are continuously changing and growing. There are always new things to discover about each other if you'd continue to invest the time and energy in uncovering them. Talk to each other, go on dates together, set a specific time every day to find out something new about each other and, most importantly, reward each other. Praise the other person for a job well done, compliment their appearance, or thank them for something they've done or said that has made your day just a little bit better.
"Decide the day you get married that divorce is not a resolution."
No one "plans" for divorce, and saying that no one should ever get divorced fails to account for individuals in emotionally, physically, or psychologically damaging relationships. In instances like these, when other options have failed, perhaps separation should be considered. However, it is important for both partners to agree that simply giving up and walking away is not a method of resolution for discourse. Couples who make a decision right out of the starting gate to push forward through their struggles tend to be more likely to resolve problems more effectively. Sure, sometimes giving up will seem easier. However, if you can manage to navigate the mine fields within your marriage, you will be stronger as a couple and grateful you didn't throw in the towel. During the especially tough times, try to remember that your marriage vows didn't include a disclaimer.
So, did these words of advice make the transition from "single" to "married" any smoother? Honestly, probably not. Though marital issues may be similar across the population at large, each marriage is unique. Every couple will experience difficulties that are unique to their partnership and will have to find equally unique methods of tackling them. Unfortunately, like life, marriage doesn't come with an instruction manual. Nonetheless, with the help of some wise and experienced friends and family, it is significantly less frightening - at least for this former singleton.
Published by Melissa Diaz
Melissa is a certified counselor and freelance writer with a master’s degree in psychology. Specializing in rehabilitative therapy for the mentally ill, she has provided individual, family, and group therapy....
As previously mentioned, I am unable to locate the author. I would love to so I could give her a big kudos for this great article! If you know her please have her contact me at [email protected] to get her official permission. Thanks for reading! Jane E.
Appreciation is vital in a marriage. Who wants to be taken for granted? You know you're awesome, your friends know you're awesome, your family has erected a shrine in your honor - so why shouldn't you receive the same amount of recognition and appreciation from the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with?
"Find a marriage mentor."
This particular bit of advice is a personal favorite. Find a couple that you admire, trust, and respect and make them your "marriage mentors." Fact: marriage takes work; it's not easy all the time. Having someone who has been down the road you're traveling, and survived it, provides you with the perspective of experience. Additionally, it offers you someone to talk to about the facets of your marriage that you wouldn't typically share with the general public.
"When the little things start to bother you, ask yourself: 'If my spouse were to be hospitalized with a terminal illness, would this matter'?"
Talk about an eye-opener. The first time I heard this, it was as if a light bulb came on in my head. The best way to avoid arguing about the trivial things is to simply acknowledge them as trivial. Okay, so he leaves the toilet seat up. Her hair clogs up the shower drain. He makes you want to throw the remote control across the room. Sure, these things are annoying - but definitely not as annoying as that guy you dated for three years who cheated on you with your best friend. Or the one who just couldn't seem to commit. Or the guy who had the miniature doll collection. Wait...was that just me? Never mind. In any case, recognize that anyone you're in a relationship with is going to have those habits that drive you insane and marry someone you like enough to deal with them.
"You get out of a marriage what you put into it."
I find the level of expectation implied in this statement somewhat deceptive. Many people think, "If I give 100% to my spouse all the time, I will receive 100% all the time." This is absolutely false. There is not a single person on the planet who can give 100% to someone else every single day, all the time. In a marriage, the ratio of giving is constantly shifting. Perhaps you had a bad day at work, and you simply don't feel like gushing over your wife's new outfit. Maybe you have overdosed on cuddle time and just want to spend time alone reading a book. The balance of giving is always changing. Sometimes you will give 40% while your partner gives 60%. Sometimes you will contribute 80% and receive 20%. That's okay. As long as things balance out in the end, you're golden. The beautiful thing about a marriage is that, when you are at the end of your rope, you have someone by your side who will tie the knot that enables you to hang on. Ensure you apply the golden rule and treat your spouse the way you'd like to be treated - with love, honor, and respect - and this commitment will almost always be fulfilled.
"Never go to bed angry."
This is a tough one - easy to say, not so easy to put into practice. There are times when issues seem irresolvable; arguments have exhausted your energies and you believe that a good night's sleep will allow you to recoup your reserves and tackle the problem with a new outlook. The problem with this mentality is, more often than not, ruminating about an issue over a period of time without resolution could produce new variations of the same argument, burying the actual issue deeper and deeper under layers of frustration. It can also create a situation in which you are digging up related issues from the past and using them as ammunition. Sometimes a couple needs a time-out, gather their thoughts and composure, and return to the matter using a more diplomatic approach. However, there is a big difference between "time to breathe and calm down" and festering over a problem until you are more upset than you were to begin with.
"Learn to communicate."
This can be one of the biggest challenges in any relationship. Everyone communicates differently; it has been thoroughly noted that men and women seem to speak in different languages. A small miscommunication can explode into a third world war before you're even aware of what's happening. There are a few noteworthy key points here. First, it is important to identify these differences; awareness is the first step in learning how to maneuver around them to facilitate positive interactions. Second, make the goal of communication simple: understanding. All too often, couples get caught up in trying to force their viewpoint down their partner's throat without really listening to what the other has to say. When couples disagree about a subject, it is crucial that they attempt to at least understand where their spouse is coming from - even if they don't agree. This encourages a respect for, and validation of, each other’s' feelings. Finally, learn which approaches to conversations create defensiveness and which approaches foster effective communication. For example, if you begin your statements with "I messages," (i.e. "I feel, I think, etc.") this often reduces an automatic defensive reaction caused by accusatory statements (i.e. "You did, you didn't, you are, etc."). Another helpful technique is to ask questions to determine whether or not what your partner is saying and what you are hearing are congruent. Miscommunication is often caused by making assumptions and failing to ask for clarification when it's needed.
"Support positive growth."
Does your spouse want to return to school? Do you want to take up a new hobby? Wonderful! Part of what keeps a marriage alive is the fact that people are constantly changing. Supporting your spouse in striving to achieve their goals and creating new dreams allows you to participate in that change and helps you to grow together rather than apart. Nobody wants to be married to a "Debbie Downer," or someone who is always raining on their parade. Sure, your spouse's goals may be a little lofty - but you know what they say: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you fail, you'll still land among the stars."
"Learn to bend."
The art of compromise is central to a happy and healthy marriage. The two of you are not always going to see eye-to-eye. You're not always going to want to do the same things. You are two different people and that doesn't change after you get married. What changes is that it's no longer all about you; you must now include another person in your decision-making process. This means it is important to regard how your partner feels and what they want. It's not always necessary for one spouse to bend to the other's will, as there will be times when you do want the same things. However, when you recognize that you don't want the same things, give your spouse's ideas some thought. Showing this kind of consideration also increases reciprocity. If you are able to, then find a happy medium. If you're having trouble finding that middle ground, ask yourself - "How important is this to me? How important is it to my partner?" You'll find that, before you know it, you are bending without even realizing it because your partner is also making sure your needs are being met.
"Never stop discovering each other, investing in each other, and rewarding each other."
The reason the "honeymoon phase" is so magical is because it's new and exciting. You are learning things about each other that you find fascinating. You are investing time and energy in each other. You are praising each other’s strengths frequently and lifting each other up constantly. Then something happens. You begin to get accustomed to your partner, things become familiar and routine, and you stop investing the way you did before. This is usually when people in relationships begin to take one another for granted. But, as I mentioned earlier, people are continuously changing and growing. There are always new things to discover about each other if you'd continue to invest the time and energy in uncovering them. Talk to each other, go on dates together, set a specific time every day to find out something new about each other and, most importantly, reward each other. Praise the other person for a job well done, compliment their appearance, or thank them for something they've done or said that has made your day just a little bit better.
"Decide the day you get married that divorce is not a resolution."
No one "plans" for divorce, and saying that no one should ever get divorced fails to account for individuals in emotionally, physically, or psychologically damaging relationships. In instances like these, when other options have failed, perhaps separation should be considered. However, it is important for both partners to agree that simply giving up and walking away is not a method of resolution for discourse. Couples who make a decision right out of the starting gate to push forward through their struggles tend to be more likely to resolve problems more effectively. Sure, sometimes giving up will seem easier. However, if you can manage to navigate the mine fields within your marriage, you will be stronger as a couple and grateful you didn't throw in the towel. During the especially tough times, try to remember that your marriage vows didn't include a disclaimer.
So, did these words of advice make the transition from "single" to "married" any smoother? Honestly, probably not. Though marital issues may be similar across the population at large, each marriage is unique. Every couple will experience difficulties that are unique to their partnership and will have to find equally unique methods of tackling them. Unfortunately, like life, marriage doesn't come with an instruction manual. Nonetheless, with the help of some wise and experienced friends and family, it is significantly less frightening - at least for this former singleton.
Published by Melissa Diaz
Melissa is a certified counselor and freelance writer with a master’s degree in psychology. Specializing in rehabilitative therapy for the mentally ill, she has provided individual, family, and group therapy....
As previously mentioned, I am unable to locate the author. I would love to so I could give her a big kudos for this great article! If you know her please have her contact me at [email protected] to get her official permission. Thanks for reading! Jane E.