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Whichever way the wind blows is a really good description of many things but for now, I am referring to the ADHD brain! (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) When I was in school to be a counselor, I took the test on myself and was one point away from meeting the criteria for ADHD! For all of you who know me personally, you are probably saying
“Ah-ha, well that answers some things!” I might add that since I learned about this disorder, I have really focused on doing better. However, there is one area that still rears its ugly head for me! This is it…too often, I say stupid things trying to be funny and more often than not, they are not funny! I just end up feeling stupid and full of regret! I gave a talk at church today and started off with a random, stupid comment that wasn’t funny! More people complimented me on my talk, more than any other time and yet that dumb little sentence dominated my thoughts of regret! Why is that? Unfortunately, it seems that too often when things go wrong, the negativity sticks with us longer and appears bigger than when good things happen! Unfortunately, I think that is human nature, however, we can control that if we CHOOSE. Yep, again, it is a CHOICE! Please remember this… WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT due to…
The following is taken from “Rebuilding After the Explosions: Helping Parents Put the Pieces Back Together”, pg. 68 Biology - we are unique due to our DNA, genetics which we receive and pass down, and our physical health. Genealogy – nuclear family traditions passed down through many generations, healthy or unhealthy. Ideology – beliefs, values, ideas that can come from family, peers, education, religious beliefs, and even prejudices, etc. Psychology - mental abilities or disabilities handed down through generations, temperament, behaviors, personality and development. Theology – religion has always been a very basic guide to family tradition. This may be one of the main “ologies” having a lasting effect on families, possibly from generation to generation. |
As a parent, it is important not to just stick your finger in the air and see which way the wind happens to be blowing! We need to be willing to go down those possibly deep, dark paths of understanding ourselves, even if it’s not pleasant.
It is so easy to beat ourselves up and that is not my intent. We often expect to be “perfect ten” parents. For most of us, it is simply because we love our children so much and want the very best for them! 
Change the phrase to - “Be careful not to judge ourselves because we sin differently than others and then replace the word “sin” with the different words below.
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Here are some situations I believe have “made me who I am today.” We need to be able to see what we can learn from both good and bad!
GOOD situation- I gained my confidence in public speaking due to talking in church in the children’s Sunday School, beginning from age 3 to 12. The Junior Sunday School president gave me several books with a written note about how impressed she was with my public speaking and how I didn’t read my talk. Do you think that helped my confidence in speaking? It did!
BAD situation – I felt lonely as a child - There was twenty years between my oldest sister and me. I am the youngest of five children. There is 5 ½ years between me and the sister just older than me. She was off being a teenager and I was at home with an extremely quiet, non-engaging mother. My mother really didn’t know how to “engage”. She explained to me one day that she hadn’t learned how to be affectionate and then related that the only time she ever remembered her mother touching her was when she combed her hair. She lost her mother at age 13 and went to live with her older sister. She married my dad at 19. When I grew up, my dad owned his own business. I only saw him on Mondays.
I had to learn how to really “engage” with our own children. I took care of them and they knew I loved them, however, I don’t know how engaged I was either. I do feel like I am a better, more engaged and optimistic grandmother because of this challenge in my own life.
GOOD situation – I had a more personal relationship with my daddy and oldest sister.
Even though I didn’t see my dad much growing up, I loved it when he retired and I finally got to be around him. I loved talking about ideas, thoughts about the world, life and just about anything with him! He made me an easel so I could draw portraits. That meant so much to me. My dad and oldest sister were my two biggest cheerleaders who encouraged me to do more art. I felt valued because they were both so encouraging of my talents.
BAD situation - I was shy and thought I was stupid because I lacked self-confidence – “Wait!” (You may say if you know me) “Jane Jenkins shy???” The problem was that I lacked self-confidence and a lot of it was because I thought I was stupid. I was a poor student partly because I was too shy to ask questions when I didn’t understand something. I learned was that I was not stupid. However, due to ADHD, I had to work extremely hard when I was in college getting my degree. And I admit, for a right brained person, Algebra presented many tearful moments! For those of you who struggle with an ADHD brain, I hope you will be encouraged because I graduated with honors! It just may not come as easy as it might for others, and that is okay. I grew and am better for it!
And what is the best thing I learned? No matter what - I can do hard things! Rather than calling it stubbornness which tends to be a negative connotation, why not attach positive traits to our children. Persistence – a “no quit attitude”! Now that is a GREAT trait to have!
GOOD situation- I gained my confidence in public speaking due to talking in church in the children’s Sunday School, beginning from age 3 to 12. The Junior Sunday School president gave me several books with a written note about how impressed she was with my public speaking and how I didn’t read my talk. Do you think that helped my confidence in speaking? It did!
BAD situation – I felt lonely as a child - There was twenty years between my oldest sister and me. I am the youngest of five children. There is 5 ½ years between me and the sister just older than me. She was off being a teenager and I was at home with an extremely quiet, non-engaging mother. My mother really didn’t know how to “engage”. She explained to me one day that she hadn’t learned how to be affectionate and then related that the only time she ever remembered her mother touching her was when she combed her hair. She lost her mother at age 13 and went to live with her older sister. She married my dad at 19. When I grew up, my dad owned his own business. I only saw him on Mondays.
I had to learn how to really “engage” with our own children. I took care of them and they knew I loved them, however, I don’t know how engaged I was either. I do feel like I am a better, more engaged and optimistic grandmother because of this challenge in my own life.
GOOD situation – I had a more personal relationship with my daddy and oldest sister.
Even though I didn’t see my dad much growing up, I loved it when he retired and I finally got to be around him. I loved talking about ideas, thoughts about the world, life and just about anything with him! He made me an easel so I could draw portraits. That meant so much to me. My dad and oldest sister were my two biggest cheerleaders who encouraged me to do more art. I felt valued because they were both so encouraging of my talents.
BAD situation - I was shy and thought I was stupid because I lacked self-confidence – “Wait!” (You may say if you know me) “Jane Jenkins shy???” The problem was that I lacked self-confidence and a lot of it was because I thought I was stupid. I was a poor student partly because I was too shy to ask questions when I didn’t understand something. I learned was that I was not stupid. However, due to ADHD, I had to work extremely hard when I was in college getting my degree. And I admit, for a right brained person, Algebra presented many tearful moments! For those of you who struggle with an ADHD brain, I hope you will be encouraged because I graduated with honors! It just may not come as easy as it might for others, and that is okay. I grew and am better for it!
And what is the best thing I learned? No matter what - I can do hard things! Rather than calling it stubbornness which tends to be a negative connotation, why not attach positive traits to our children. Persistence – a “no quit attitude”! Now that is a GREAT trait to have!
STUBBORNNESS OR PERSEVERANCE?
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I have presented some fairly big problems in some articles. I worry that I may be presenting too many problems rather than answers. Well, the answer can be difficult because it really is perseverance!!!That is exactly why I coined the term and named the website, “Shaping the Child Parenting …Because Parenting is NOT for Wimps!”It really can be difficult to stay strong especially when being strong means that your children may not like your decisions! That’s okay though, I am sure you don’t like many of their decisions either huh? |
I have some questions I would like for you to think about.
- Would you being willing to make a list of events that may have caused you to feel good and bad, in your childhood which may have carried over into your adult life?
- Are you able to look at those feelings you have/had and identify how/if it has affected you, as a child and maybe even as an adult?
- If you see problems with your own children, are you able to help them identify where their feelings (good or bad) come from?
- Due to growing up in a non-communicative home, I tend to not like silence. I really have to focus on not filling awkward silence. As I previously mentioned, I too often fill that void with stupid or worthless comments. Opposites attract, so of course, I married a quiet man. I have actually asked him to at least grunt to let me know he heard me when I say something. Do you think this may have had anything to do with my “gift of gab”? (Some may not consider it to be a “gift”!)
- The above example is what I would like to encourage you to do with yourself concerning your childhood. You can help your children walk through this process which may help to identify problems so those problems don’t follow them into their adult life.
Disjointed thoughts…hmmm, maybe I can help?
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NOTE: This process is similar to a technique called “Seed Digging”. I discuss it in my book. My wonderful friend Shawna Burns has written a book with that name. I encourage you to look it up at seeddigging.com She has given me permission to put her introduction video on Shaping the Child website. This can benefit your whole family in identifying problems. Thank you Shawna! |
Winds blow in different directions based on many different factors and that is the same with us. There are many different factors in our individual lives. We are who we are because of our biology, ideology, psychology, etc. Because of that we can never judge another person. We cannot say we know what they are going through due to so many different factors that have occurred in their lives and our lives.
With all of the decisions we have to make in our lives, we have the choice to be optimistic or pessimistic. It really is that simple. Our reactions, our decisions, our words, our tone of voice are choices we alone make.
Ask yourself this question, “When bad things happen over and over in your day, is it harder to shake off the “negative cloud” hanging over your head than when things don’t go well? Picture a day when everything goes great. Does that “positive cloud” stick with you longer? In my opinion, choosing optimism is more difficult than choosing pessimism.
I believe it has to be a conscious effort to stay positive and that is why parenting can be so difficult and why it requires strong parents, not wimpy parents! So, my challenge to you is to make a conscious effort to be more positive in all areas of your life. I can’t write an article without mentioning those feel-good-hormones! Just make a conscious effort to laugh, play, exercise, make and accomplish goals. Just be more optimistic!
Please let me know how it goes…I would love to hear!
With all of the decisions we have to make in our lives, we have the choice to be optimistic or pessimistic. It really is that simple. Our reactions, our decisions, our words, our tone of voice are choices we alone make.
Ask yourself this question, “When bad things happen over and over in your day, is it harder to shake off the “negative cloud” hanging over your head than when things don’t go well? Picture a day when everything goes great. Does that “positive cloud” stick with you longer? In my opinion, choosing optimism is more difficult than choosing pessimism.
I believe it has to be a conscious effort to stay positive and that is why parenting can be so difficult and why it requires strong parents, not wimpy parents! So, my challenge to you is to make a conscious effort to be more positive in all areas of your life. I can’t write an article without mentioning those feel-good-hormones! Just make a conscious effort to laugh, play, exercise, make and accomplish goals. Just be more optimistic!
Please let me know how it goes…I would love to hear!
One thing that can help parents be stronger is to be more Optimistic!
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